May/June - 2009

 

Dear Friend,

 

This month I had the wonderful gift of hearing the Dalai Lama’s reflections on Compassion and Wisdom at a psychotherapy and meditation conference in Boston. His presence was palpable, and the sense of good will and care he showed each person and topic he addressed spoke louder than the words themselves.  I experienced my heart open to his presence - a presence that demonstrated the power of practicing love.  The article for this issue is inspired by the loving-kindness of the Dalai Lama.

 

In the last two issues of Action on Purpose, I discussed two of the four mind liberating practices described in Buddhist texts for cultivating the boundless states of loving-kindness, compassion, appreciative joy and equanimity.  These teachings on the brahma-viharas – or four abodes of the heart - arise in Buddhist psychology to describe the nature of and practices for cultivating love.  Having looked at the doorways of Joy and of Compassion, this issue looks at Loving-Kindness as a doorway for increasing the capacity for love.  The article concludes with specific steps you can take to develop this quality in your life. May you be well and dwell in loving-kindness as you read and practice this month. 

 

The purpose of this newsletter is to share with you simple and effective tools for personal, spiritual and professional growth.  I have used these tools in my own life, so I know their power as well as their challenges.  I have also utilized them in more than thirty years of professional work with others as a life coach, educator and psychotherapist.  I offer them to you to try, adapt, and practice as methods to nurture your own growth.

 

Please send this issue to any friends who might be interested.  Also, I would welcome your thoughts or comments on this newsletter.  Have a great month!

 

Warmly,

Natalie

Natalie@EldridgeWorks.com

 

P.S.  Interested in some support in clarifying your purpose or taking action on your purpose?  Contact me for a complimentary coaching call to explore whether coaching could help you reach your goals!

 

   “ Give yourself to love
            if love is what you're after
      Open up your heart
            to the tears and laughter
      And give yourself to  love,
            give yourself to love.”

~ Kate Wolf, 1982

listen to this song

This song has been present with me for the past month as I contemplated writing about love.  The late Kate Wolf composed this on the occasion of a friend’s wedding.  For me, it captures the common experience of love we come together to celebrate in various ceremonies of marriage, commitment, child blessing, anniversary, family reunions and memorial services.  In such gatherings, our heart often opens to the love present in the community, and the possibly of love in our own hearts grows larger.  The link to listen to the entire song is above – please enjoy it.

Letting Love In

 

Increasing the experience of love involves becoming more receptive to love by increasing our tolerance of the fear and vulnerability that are inevitable aspects of being loved by and loving others. As one friend puts it, “Love hurts.” 

 

In exploring intimacy fears with clients, I’ve noticed three assumptions that frequently emerge:

 

• an expectation that love should be easy
• a belief that “I am not loveable or worthy of love”
• a fear of losing a loved one or being hurt by them

 

If you resonate with one (or more) of these beliefs, try reflecting on that assumption and developing an alternate perspective that could reinforce a step toward opening up to love.  For instance:

 

• Accept that love is a process of learning about oneself accompanied by growing pains as we stretch and shift within.
• Replace a belief of being unlovable with an acknowledgement and honoring of our best qualities.  We begin by growing respect for ourselves and those who have loved us.  We do not need to be perfect to be loved.  It is the belief we hold that we cannot be loved that hardens our hearts and keeps the love from flowing in.
• Accepting that all relational states are temporary, and that conditions change, helps us embrace the reality that we will experience loss and hurt as part of life, and that love can help us feel it was all worthwhile!

 

Beaming Love Out

 

In addition to letting love in, the practice of love involves sending love into the world.  The Dalai Lama speaks of two levels of love and compassion.  One grows out of personal attachment and grows in us spontaneously toward those in our lives we care about.  It arises naturally through the experience of attachment and mutual care.  He notes that personal attachment also generates hatred – hatred toward those perceived as our enemies or as threatening us, or our loved ones, in some way.

 

According to the Dalai Lama, a deeper level of love is characterized by a kindness or benevolence toward all beings that is detached, or without the personal attachment of the first level of love.  This means wishing for the happiness of strangers and even those that we may experience as harming or neglecting us, just as we wish this for ourselves and our loved ones. 

 

This level of love does not arise spontaneously, but it can be cultivated and developed through intentional focus.  In Buddhist teachings, there are many practices designed to help us develop this loving-kindness attitude, known as Metta.  Metta practice is likened to a soft rain that penetrates the heart, relaxing the defense mechanisms associated with fear and ill will.

Loving Action:  5 Ways to Cultivate Loving-Kindness

Based on some practices from Buddhist teachings and other sources, I offer these 5 starting places to help you learn to love more – both more deeply, and more of the time.

 

1)      Wishing your loved ones well

Have you experienced a sudden thought about a loved one that brings a smile to your face and a natural wish for their happiness and well-being?  This experience arises naturally in many of us and is both pleasant and positive. The challenge in this practice is to intentionally take time on a regular basis to bring those we care about to mind in order to wish them well or imagine them happy.  Try using a specific phrase as you concentrate on a particular person such as:  “May you be happy, healthy and free from suffering.”

 

I grew up learning to say prayers at night, asking in earnest for the safety and well-being of each of the beings in my world.  This is the same process, really.  The more regular and dedicated the practice is the better.  By coupling a meditation practice with this cultivation of loving-kindness, a greater focus of attention is often the result.

 

2)      Wishing neutral others well

Already have a regular practice of wishing well to the inner circle in your life?  Try extending your practice to those you encounter in your life that you might not otherwise pay much attention to:  the cashier at the grocery store, the bank teller, the school crossing guard, the bus driver, those you pass on the street.

 

By recalling them, or sending positive wishes their way as you encounter them, you pay attention to them in a more focused way.  That attention matters, and is the substance of loving-kindness, practiced not out of attachment to them, but out of an expanding heart.

 

3)      Loving your enemies (or anyone who feels like an adversary in the moment)

This exercise is incredibly transformative.  I recommend trying this after some experience with the previous two practices.  From a place of calm and focus - perhaps after yoga, a run, or a meditation session – allow your mind to focus on someone you are in conflict with or feel angry toward.  Perhaps it is a boss or co-worker, a friend or lover who has said something hurtful, or a family member you have an ongoing argument with.  Hold your focus on this one person.  Refrain from following familiar thoughts of judgment or argument as you focus on wishing for this person’s happiness.  Repeat a phrase such as “may you be safe and happy” if that helps you to concentrate.  Use this practice on a regular basis to send loving-kindness to this one person over a period of several weeks, and notice what happens.

 

This practice requires that you have developed some capacity to calm and direct your thoughts and intentions.  Practice in holding loving thoughts toward those you care about, without any expectation of gain or reciprocity, is also a useful prerequisite.  When you are ready to try this exercise, you might begin with people in your current life rather than someone who may have harmed you in the past.

 

4)      Loving Yourself

Accepting ourselves - with all our imperfections - is one of the most difficult practices for some of us to engage in.  Without acceptance and love for yourself, the love you can offer to others will be forever limited.  This practice may be the place you want to begin.

 

The ethic of reciprocity, known in the west as the golden rule, is stated in the Old Testament as "...thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself" (Leviticus 19:18).  It is an ethical code common among many world philosophies and religions.  When working with clients who are caregivers, either by vocation or inclination, I often find it useful to rephrase this rule to say, “love thyself as you love thy neighbor.” The capacity to hold a loving attitude toward ourselves is both empowering, relieving, and healing.  It demands that we detach from our identity with our perceived faults or wrongdoings long enough to encourage all that is good within us to strengthen and grow.

 

5)      Loving-Kindness as a Response to Spontaneous Emotion

This practice involves an intention to respond to certain unwanted emotions in oneself with loving-kindness toward the stimulus for those feelings.  We might choose to work with the feeling of anger, or hatred, or fear, and so on.  This practice asks us to become aware when we are feeling angry, for example, to recall our intention to respond differently, and then to send loving-kindness to the person we feel anger toward and to ourselves for feeling angry.  For example, I might work with spontaneous anger than emerges when someone cuts me off or honks at me while driving.  Recognizing my annoyance, I focus my attention instead on calming my anger, accepting that this got stirred up in me, calming myself, and sending well-wishes to the other driver I was so annoyed with.

 

This practice is different from the others in that it is not done at a pre-determined time toward certain people we have decided to send loving-kindness to ahead of time.  This practice is more of a field practice, and relies on the more consistent practice to strengthen it.

 

A General Warning

The intention to practice loving-kindness will undoubtedly result in a greater awareness of all the times we do not feel loving toward ourselves or others.  In the same way, practicing compassion increases our awareness of our own hard-heartedness and judgmental nature.  Do not let such awareness derail your practice.  Practicing loving-kindness toward others arises out of a general wish for the well-being of others, while compassion arises as a response to the suffering we see.  Water these seeds in yourself, and they will grow.

 

“My religion is very simple. My religion is kindness.”

 

“Love and compassion are necessities, not luxuries. 

Without them humanity cannot survive.”

 

~ Dalai Lama

 

* * * * * * *

 

~  Action On Purpose Challenge  ~

 

Choose one of the five ways listed above to take action on love.  Practice intentional loving-kindness of thought toward the person you choose for at least a month.  Enjoy the benefits!

 

 

~  In the News  ~

 

Next Steps -  Want to get going on a plan for the kind of life you want to lead in the future? The 2Young2Retire course can help.  A certified facilitator, I offer the course by tele-conference.  If you are interested in more information about the course and updates on the time and starting date, go to actiononpurpose.com/2008/04/30/boomers--whats-next-for-you.aspx

 

Would you like to share your kind words about Natalie's coaching, facilitating, speaking or writings?  If so, please send them to testimonial@EldridgeWorks.com.  We gratefully welcome your comments.

 

At www.EldridgeWorks.com, my virtual professional home, you will find information about coaching and psychotherapy services, as well as more about me.  I would love to hear your comments about the website, or the Action on Purpose newsletter.  Contact me at Natalie@EldridgeWorks.com.